Bobby: Well, you said that the magazine "Architectural Digest" wanted you to write an article for their upcoming
special edition on haunted houses and that you needed
to find one, so I found you one!
Bobby: Apparently a former newspaper editor used to live here before he died!
Ginger: This is not the place I had in mind when you suggested we should spend some time together where we wouldn't see a single person!
Bobby: Well, you said that the magazine "Architectural Digest" wanted you to write an article for their upcoming
special edition on haunted houses and that you needed
to find one, so I found you one!
Bobby: What's the matter, suffering from Yellow Journalism?
Ginger: But to answer your question, no, I'm not scared!
Ginger (thinking): I'll just pretend I'm in one of those Halloween Funhouses and I'll be okay!
Ginger: So, how did you find out about this place? Do you have invisible business connections?
Bobby: No, I found it through a Real Estate agent rather than an Unreal Estate agent!
Bobby: Layers of dust! Another home letting nature take its course!
Bobby: Dead silence is the noise of ghosts!
Bobby: Not to worry, I believe we're walking around the section of the house that could be interpreted as being the stomach of the house.
Bobby: In other words, this used to be the dining room!
Ginger: Spiderweb curtains, dust aromas, greasy walls, believe me when I tell you.... this is all imbedded into my memory well beyond your imagination!
Ginger: Hard to believe there's phone service in this place! It has to be a wrong number?
Bobby: I have a Caller I.D. program in my computer-remote that works on any phone
I point it at!
Ring!Bobby: It says its coming from the number #000-0000!
Ginger: It shouldn't be working at all, look, it's not plugged into the wall! (she's holding a wire)
Ginger: It's still ringing, but there's nothing but silence on the other end!
Ginger: It's just like you said, dead silence is the noise of ghosts!?
Bobby: I can't tell you what's going on here, the phone companies offer so many services nowadays that its hard to keep track of them all!
(We see a decayed looking hand coming out of the ground with a gravestone in the background)
Thought from the ground: Someone will pay for this interruption!
Bobby: Ignore the phone, I do it all the time in my office!
Bobby: Let's finish what we came here to do! Believe it or not, I rented us a room at a motel and its not my plan to spend the entire night chasing things that go bump in the night!
Ginger: That's an awful sound!
Bobby: All old houses have aches and pains just like people when they get old!
Backyard Zombie: Moaan! My bones! Moaan!Zombie (thinking): I'm way too old for this! Being undead is an awful way of life!
Ginger: Wow, look! There's a typewriter floating all around this room, moving back and forth and back and forth! Do you think a ghost is doing this?
Bobby: My question is why would any ghost exert any type of physical exercise?
Bobby: Simply a discarded probe in disguise left behind from someone's Time Machine! Most activities in these so-called haunted houses are probe related!
(close-up of Ginger holding paper that says "Get out or else.")
Ginger: If this is not a haunted typewriter, then why did it type this warning?
Bobby: It's probably a message to itself, but it could be for us!
Either way, it has the same meaning,....choose between staying or leaving! No big deal!
Bobby: Kinda dangerous though! I believe it doesn't take kindly to my computerized suit!
Ginger: It seems to be scanning you! Maybe you better take care of it!?
Bobby: Plus its trying to disable my suit with some kind of Alzheimers program!
Bobby: High noon at high midnight! And it appears to be a stalemate to me!
Ginger (thinking): Am I a writer or not? I'll take care of this typewriter!
Ginger: Just think of me as the human equivalent of your correction ribbon!
(words on page inside typewriter say "oof!")
Ginger: Look Bobby, this typewriter is now suffering from a permanent case of writer's block!
Ginger: Bobby?..........Are you okay?
Ginger (thinking): There must be some kind of restoration mechanism programmed into his remote, but I don't know how to work this thing!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): She can't hear me! Seems my suit has locked me out of my body just like it did at the Annual Superhero Awards Ceremony!
(panel of Bobby's body doing
jumping jacks)Bobby Ghost: I said don't do that!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): She can't see me either! She's turned on my daily 30 minute aerobics workout and it's running in expert mode!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): This is no good, maybe I can just go back into my body....I haven't tried that before!
Bobby Ghost: Yoooowwwww!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Shell rejection of the third kind! Forget that idea!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): I saw a whole a bunch of them working a graveyard shift inside a factory one time! These guys are really mean!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): In theory, I should be able to enter this mindless entity to stop his potential rage of destruction plus walk to my Bobby body & reinstate it back to normal!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Since the last time my suit conked out, I've created a variety of ways to undelete whatever causes application errors or frozen functionings!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): The only problem is that it takes physical functioning on my part to punch the buttons on my remote!
Ring!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Feeling some resistance here, .... like trying to park a car where a car is already parked!
Zombie: Excuse me, but this space is occupied!
Zombie: No, but if you want to be one, take your pick,. ...there's lots of other bodies buried over there to choose from!
Ginger (thinking): He's jumping around with no regard to our surroundings and is smashing everything in his path.
Bobby Body: 1, and a 2, and a 3, and a 4..........
Ginger (thinking): This is a nightmare! Somehow this remote has given Bobby housewrecking abilities that are no different than those of a poltergeist!
Ginger: Stop it! This is not your house!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): That spook occupying that dead body doesn't seem to pose a threat to anyone, probably wants to look around the house just like everybody else!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Hmmm, the body down here is in a coffin!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Why do they put bodies in these things anyway, it's not like they're going to get up and walk away!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Uh,...I retract that last statement!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Appropriate name on the tombstone ....... Gopher!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Easy transition! Quite a special occasion,..it's not often for someone to remember their "zero" birthday!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): I wonder if any real zombies are vegetarians?
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Probably not, I think in their given state there's a real protein deficiency problem!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Limited cerebral power! The
brain in this body is in such bad shape, I'm reverting to a
typical 10% usage used by normal people!Bobby Zombie (thinking): I guess his body has been dead longer than this one!
(Bobby Zombie pushing aside the other zombie inside the doorway)
Bobby Zombie: Excuse me, but you were blocking the doorway!
Zombie: Hey!...that body moves real good! I guess I overlooked that one!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): I need to get to that remote to install my backup program hidden on Drive Z!
1,...2......3.....4....!
Ginger (thinking): Ooh, using this remote is frustrating! Now he has his arms out in front of himself while he's twirling his hands!
Ginger (thinking): Poor Bobby's all mixed up! He thinks he's knitting a sweater!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): I see the suit is still running physical activities programs! Looks like it's in my custom Expert Fighters program!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Out of all the fighters available in this program, why did she choose Curley of the Three Stooges?
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Seeing myself like this has made me so mad that I've grinded my teeth too hard and they're all falling out!
Ginger: Eeeeek! Zombies! I thought I smelt formaldehyde!
Ring!
Ginger: Eeeeek! (Her hair is sticking out)
Bobby Zombie: *Thop theming, yur making mu booms rezonate! (*Stop screaming, you're making my bones resonate!)
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Do I need speech therapy or what?
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Passed out!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Some of us are out cold and some of us are in cold!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): I can't pry the remote from her hand!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Rigor mortis versus rigor mortis?
Bobby Zombie (thinking): Now I'm in limbo about what to do?
Bobby Zombie: Oof!
Ring!
Bobby Body: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): I'm.......uh.....He's doing the Curley Shuffle! Nice footwork, I have to remember to add this part of the Curley program to my Dance program choices!
(we see the Bobbies from the waist up in the foreground)
Ring!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): He's smearing me and with good reason! I reviewed all of the episodes of the Three Stooges in which Curley and Moe duked it out and statistics showed me they were equally matched!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): But then the tie was broken because I found the all important missing Lost Episode!
Bobby Zombie (thinking): And he's smearing me, not surprisingly, since it's fairly easy to whip a dead person!
Ring!
(We see the zombie approaching the telephone)
Bobby Ghost (thinking): Useless! All of the bones are broken!
Bobby Ghost (thinking): This dead body is completely dead!
(Zombie answers the telephone)Zombie: Hello, it's about time you called! Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?
Zombie: Six hours! So, what's the idea of transporting me to the wrong place? Is this how you treat all of your first class customers?
Zombie: You can bet my lawyers are going to hear about this!
Bobby Ginger: Hey, this is the wrong remote!
Bobby Ginger: My Bobby Body is wearing the suit I sleep in every night! I must have forgotten to change this morning when I woke up!
Voice from the telephone: I hope you're taking me to the right destination this time!
Voice: And I hope you're serving meals on this flight, this stupid ordeal has left me really hungry!
Bobby Ginger: Simple remedy! Clicking it off will restore everything back to normal!
Bobby Body: Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
Bobby (thinking): A simple out-of-body inexperience!
Bobby (thinking): I should have recognized what was going on automatically because of all of the surreality in effect!
Bobby: Ginger, where are you?
Ginger: Oh, of course you are! I must have fallen asleep!
Bobby (thinking): That's because my Lucid Dream State program was running in full conscious mode and it affects anyone that happens to be within my immediate environment!
Bobby (thinking): Thank goodness this wide-awake subconscious state has no real side effects on normal people!
File Generated on February 28, 1995
©1995 Bebe Williams